And They Lived Happily Ever After?

If you had asked me in high school how I thought my future would pan out, I probably would have said that I'd go to college and meet my prince charming, we'd fall in, get married and live happily ever after, period. That's where the story ended for me because marriage was the happy ending. Isn't that what Hollywood has taught us? Well life and experience have taught me otherwise now that I am a little older. Marriage is only the beginning of a new chapter and it is not all sunshine and roses once the knot is tied. Marriage is hard work and requires effort. I learned this as I watched marriages and families who were close to me, break apart due to divorce. The harsh reality set in that this endeavor is not easy. I am so blessed to have parent's whose marriage has been strong and healthy. I have thankfully never had a first hand experience with divorce, but I witnessed the effects of divorce on my bother's marriage. It was heartbreaking to see the sadness and struggle that resulted. His children suffered the most as they were too young to fully understand why things changed so abruptly. I noticed how they were moody and upset when they would return from a trip visiting the other parent and I saw the true exhaustion it forced upon them to go back and forth between homes, all because of a choice that was not theirs at all. My brother will eventually remarry and then he will have to work through the challenges of a blended family. However I see hope through all of this because I believe in the institution of marriage and I know that happiness can be found in such great amounts through it. This brings hope for my future, my brother's future and all those who have gone through the heartache of divorce. I believe that God has a plan for our lives and if we trust and believe, we can realize how great that plan really is.

Meet the Parents

I cannot begin to express how grateful I am for the way I was raised and the childhood I experienced as a result. I think my parents were inspired as they raised 8 teens successfully. But more importantly I think they balanced and complimented each other well to form a parenting style that really worked well in our home.

My father plays the more firmer side in my parent's parenting style. He is an engineer and very practical and logical. He works hard and has high expectations for us as his children. My father can be stern and sometimes intimidating, but he is also very good at solving problems and offering advice out of love. He holds and honors his priesthood and is always leading the family in gospel matters.

My mom is the soft and gentle side of my parents style. She is kind, caring and quick to forgive. She is selfless in so many ways as she only looks for ways to help the ones she loves. My mom can always see the potential and good in anyone and is quick to offer support, love, and encouragement when it is needed. She is comforting and warm and truly loves her role as a mother.

Together my parents created a home where we knew what was expected of us and how we were to behave. Yet we always knew that our parents had our back. I never felt like I had to keep secrets from my parents because I knew they loved me and truly cared for me. I did not want to disrespect them or lose their trust in any way and this helped me as I made decisions growing up. There were times when they were firm, and yet there was constantly an undercurrent of love. They were not perfect, yet I still find myself looking up to them and striving to achieve the home and family they created.

Money Money Money

I never knew that things were tight when I was a child. I had everything that my little heart desired and the stress of running a home of eight children never affected me. I am grateful that my parents handled those times of financial tightness in such a way that I never felt worried or scared about the future of our family. However I was taught the importance and concept of money as my parents would show us how to buy the better deals while shopping, or telling us kids that we could not buy pizza because it cost too much money. I realized that money had to be earned and used with smart choices. I also new that we worked together as a family to make our household function. We had a family paper route growing up that brought in extra money and it was expected of us to wake up and help on certain days that were assigned.We also all worked in the garden to grow many fruits and vegetables that in turn ended up on our dinner table to eat. We were expected to do chores with the understanding that this was our part to help the family work. We were paid money for larger projects on occasion and this money that we earned taught us how to spend and use money. We were taught to always first pay tithing, then save a little for a "rainy day" and then we could plan or budget what ever we wanted to do with the rest.

These valuable lessons that I never realized learning while in the moment are so important and make all the difference now that I am in college. I have to plan a budget and stick to it in order to pay for school and my needs and I must work for the things that want. I am so grateful for parents who taught me not only the value of money and how to use it but also the value of work and that being in a family means teamwork.

Family Council

Some of my most fondest memories came from a time when my family would gather together for what was called, Family Council. It was exactly as it sounds where my Dad, usually on a Sunday afternoon would gather the family in the living room for us to have a meeting together. The agenda and topics covered was different each time but the important thing was that we all met together in a setting where we were allowed to talk freely as members of one family. Sometimes we discussed new rules or "family policies" that we all agreed upon. Other times we discussed what changes needed to be made to help things run more smoothly in our house. Many times my parents would teach and share with us gospel principles during these moments. There was always a chance for anyone to bring up matters they wanted to discuss, things that were on their mind, or something that happened to them. We would then plan the week ahead day by day to schedule our time and work out conflicts. 

I will always remember these meetings for several reasons. One of the best things about these councils was that our family learned important communication skills as we talked with each other. We learned how to settle conflicts and how to be respectful of others thoughts and opinions. We also grew together as a united team who were working together with one purpose. These meetings made each of us realize our individual role in our family and that we had a say instead of my parents solely controlling the family. We grew closer and became more unified and for that I will always be grateful.

When the Going Gets Tough...

This week a great deal has been on my mind about how a family unit faces trials and changes. I watched two separate families go through very hard things this week and it was very interesting to see how each handled these challenges. I found myself worried and hoping that these struggles and trials that they had to endure would not break them, but somehow instead they would find a way to come out stronger and more united. I knew that I had no influence on the outcome of these hardships for these families but I wished I could explain from the outside how their family unit would be the strongest resource that they had during these times. I also found myself thinking about if my own family had to endure the same thing, how we would respond and how would I feel. Would our family withstand the test? I hoped so.

I felt helpless as I heard the news that one family that I know well lost a young member of their family in a freak accident. I knew that this family had already endured a great deal over the years and I found myself wondering if this would be the thing that would cause them to break. However as I attended the funeral I was so comforted to see just the opposite. This family was surround and supported by such a strong network of extended family and friends that the love in the room was almost tangible. They had pulled together in such a way that only a family could do during a time of crisis. After seeing this family's response, although very heart-broken, but still so strong, I realized that they would make it through only because they had each other and their religious beliefs.

The second was my friend's family who went through an accident that they were very blessed to have everyone return from alive. This incident seemed to shake the family in a way that brought them closer than ever before and give them a perspective of gratitude and humility.

I realized more than ever this week that this is why we have families. We are so much stronger when we stand together as a team. Stress and pressure are almost a good thing that allows us a chance to unite and hopefully change for the better. It is during these moments that we realize how truly blessed we are and we love a little deeper and live each day a little fuller.

Loyalty

One thing that my parents have always taught me through their example is what loyalty is. They have lived their marriage with complete fidelity and this is a key aspect for why it has survived. It is so easy to find story after story of marriages falling apart because one or both were not faithful. I think this is a deep fear that I have had and if I am being honest it holds me back sometimes as I date. This fear doesn't come from my parents but perhaps from the countless stories of marriages failing. I hear these stories and it makes me want to sometimes give up on the idea of marriage.

I then look at marriages like my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, my bishopric, my siblings, and my own sweet parents. Loyalty and love is laced throughout their marriages and this brings me hope. Fidelity in these marriages mean that they not only are faithful on the outside to each other but they are faithful  with their whole hearts. This means that they do not think of others or even look at others because their spouses are number one in their eyes.

Marriage can be beautiful and wonderful and I know that I have examples from my own personal support system to help me know that marriage can survive and last.

Finding "the one"

No, I am not married nor have I found "the one" yet. But I have learned some things about dating and marriage to honestly say that there is not "the one" out there. I hope this isn't shocking news, but for me as a young hopeless romantic in high school, I completely believed in soulmates and couldn't wait to find mine and ride off into a perfect sunset together on a white horse. Well my opinions have changed slightly since then. I now put much more importance on dating someone and truly finding out who they are and if we together will be a good fit, than on finding "the one" that is meant for me. I believe love is a choice and once we have done our homework in the dating phase, we can be confident in knowing that we can have a happy and successful marriage if we choose to.

Dating is the time to really get to know someone. We go and do many different things and see each other in many different lights. We note what we do like about a person and the things we don't like as much.There are three important components of a date. It should be planned, paid for, and paired off. This helps us truly date someone and not just hang out with them. Dating then leads to courting. Courting is dating with marriage in mind. This does not mean that courting someone will definitely mean you will marry them, but it means you are dating elusively and looking at each other as a potential spouse. The next step is engagement. This is an important time to not only plan the wedding but to really ask each other lots of questions. This is a time to truly see if you can fit together. The final stage is marriage. However it is not just sunshine and roses after that. Marriage takes work and commitment. It is about being selfless and choosing to love someone through the ups and the downs.

There is no better example for me about a successful marriage than my own parents. They choose each other and act accordingly. They know how to work as a team and realize each other's strengths and weaknesses and use them together to empower their marriage. I am so grateful for their example of love and devotion to each other and one day I hope to have the very same thing of my own.